Final day of Blogging with Becky

This has been a crazy week. My previous blog pretty much captures the anxiety of it all. Performance Night (last night) was really fun however. I sang along to almost every song, and danced in my seat. I cheered energetically when each performance was done, and I danced my heart out. I really like dancing, and didn't even focus on the crowd, just the beat of the music.  

How are my goals going you ask? Well, I'm going to be really honest and say that I haven't done anything about the California situation. I've just been trying to make it through this week. I can tell you what I plan to do though. Monday I will choose the few classes that I'm going to take, though I don't need the credits...long story. Then the next time that I'm at work I will ask my boss for more hours (seeing that much of my day is freed up from lack of homework and classes). If that isn't an option I will be forced to get a second job. The purpose of more work being what other than needing the money. I'll also have to begin actually talking to my family and friends in Cali on a regular basis... you know, to make it less awkward when I say "Hey, do you think I can live with you for a while? You know, until I get a job?" So, that's the plan, we'll see how the follow-through is.  Oh, and I still have no idea when I'll actually be moving there, I suppose that depends on how much money I can save up. Cool.

Am I happy? Yes and no. Right now I'm super tired (like everyone else) so I'm seeing things in a less than bright light, but being able to sleep in tomorrow will make me happy I'm sure. Sleep feels nice for sure. But things are much better now. I'm not sure what's making the change. I'm just thankful that life feels better. And that's the end. 

Arggghhhh

Though today was a very monumental day in history (first black president and all that jazz), it was a very aggravating day for me. Now let me complain to you and tell you why that is :)... Firstly, I went to bed late the night before- after finally finishing one of the two procrastinated papers for Rich. Secondly, this morning when I could/should have been working on either a)blogging or b)working on my other paper for Rich (due later in the day), I instead practiced the song I was PLANNING on singing for Performance Night. I listened to it repeatedly during the hour, that as well as read the lyrics over and over. Then while watching the inauguration, I sang the song over and over in my head, hoping that I would have all of the words memorized by lunch time. The memorization was crucial because of these factors: my make-shift band did not work out, though I still practiced the song we were planning on playing in feeble hope that we would be able to play it still (which is a story in itself)... and so I was left to my own devices, and step one. Over the weekend I also practiced a song to sing a cappella as a plan b, this is the song that I was also working on this A.M. So I spoke with Booker about my plan b, he told me that I could have an auditon during lunch... that never happened, and so Booker told me that my audition would just be at the run through during fifth hour-which cut into my much needed video editing time (I was two days behind seeing that Cadex wasn't here because he got into a car accident O.O), but I saccarficed this because being able to sing at Performance Night was more important to me at the time. As it turns out, this was a mistake. I was nervous during the run through because I was being judged by Booker, would I be deemed worthy? I glanced at the sheet with the lyrics on it because I wasn't confident about singing the right thing, that and I didn't look much at the people in the room. After I sang during 5th hour Booker asked me to stay behind to talk, he said he "didn't think I was quite Performance ready. Blah, blah, next time, blah, blah" Needless to say I was PISSED OFF. I calmly answered "Okay." But inside I was heated. All that work, for nothing! Luckily I was able to ration with myself, I probably wasn't ready and not performing saved me the stress of worrying about how I would perform. That, and I wasn't really angry with Booker or the people that I was collaberating with, I was just upset with the situation. To help myself stew even less I made myself do something productive. I told Booker that since I missed editing my film 5th hour that I would be doing it for his sixth hour painting class. So I was happy that my day wasn't a total loss. If only that weren't the end of the bad day... oh no. I missed the 50 by a second and so I had to take a 16, which is slower so the chances were likely that I would be late to work. And THEN, the stupid fucking bus ate my DAMN buscard!!! Which meant that instead of getting a transfer I would have to use my last two dollars to get on my next bus. It also meant that I would have to pay an additonal 2.25 the next day to school AND explain to Tim what happen. Yes, my day was going just peachy fucking keen. But then, things started to get okay. I made it to work on time, got a couple of pops in my system and began to perk up. As it reached the hour of 8 o'clock my eyes were fixated on the clock. I needed to leave now, I needed to get my paper done. I was in such a hurry that I forgot that I needed by buy razorblades in order to wear the outfit that I was planning on wearing for the dance performance... so now I of course need to think of something completely different to wear, but that is so the least of my worries... Then after work I managed the unbelievable feet of finishing the other paper for Rich and then emailing it to him. I really hope that he accepts it at this late of an hour because it was really time consuming!!! Whew, what a long day. I appologize for this rant, esspecially the vile language haha... but sometimes it just feels good to write in such a manner.

time may change me, but I can't trace time

This week has been really busy, so busy that time went by without me realizing it. I feels like Monday was yesterday. Either way, I'm glad it's Friday, my favorite day of the week. This morning I woke up in an exceptionally good mood. I feel light, bubbly, giggly, and in the mood to joke around. It feels great, so I hope the mood continues. This weekend looks promising so I think it just might.

It's amazing how I can go from thinking about one thing non-stop to not thinking about it at all. I honestly haven't even had time to think about the future these last few days because I've been focused on the present. I have to write two research papers for Rich; finish a painting for Booker; I have to find my cues for the song that I'm doing for open mic.; I've had to work; I need to write some more blogs (because I have an inkling that I need more); my mom and I have been arguing a lot, so that's been on my mind too; I'm hanging out with friends this weekend, and I'm sure there's more, those are just the top priorities. Le sigh.

soundtrack

Errr... songs that represent my life, hmmm... most of the music I like more for the sound than for the lyrics, but I'm sure something by the beatles would be in my life's soundtrack. And um... Duffy to represent the way I sing, and Ting Tings "Shut up and let me go"-how I felt after a major break up, Rage Against The Machine "How I could just kill a man"-perfect song for when I'm pissed off, Marley "I wanna love ya, and treat you right..."-This is something I listen to when I'm in a good mood. Vitamin C "Graduation"-I've wanted to sing this at my graduation since the first time I heard it. Etc. This is the best list that I can come up with right now. : (

Obama and my update

6 word phrases: 

.The time for change is now. Well, that ones already taken, but it's still a good one!

...

yeah

Class ideas, yay: 1)Perhaps you can teach a class in which the students write a novel and work on it the majority of the quarter, seeing that most novels take a lot of time. 2)Decipher Shakespearean works. That's all I've got folks.

Update:

*goal-I'm feeling a lot more content with my life right now. I think yoga and dance are helping that effort. I also think allowing myself to feel sad for a while helped. I know that I can't always be happy, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to be happy as often as possible. 

*writing project- The stress I felt about college applications has developed into a new anxiety, the new future I've decided to take a risk with. As crazy as it may sound, I've decided that I'm going to go to California to pursue acting. A few of my family members live there so I'd have a place to stay for a while. My plan so far is to first find a job to afford living expenses and when I'm not working put all of my energy into auditioning for television shows and films. Wish me luck, I know this is going to be a challenge and a half.

vision statement crap

I think the purpose of a vision statement is to have a sense of organization. When the vision statement is clear, we know the goal we are working towards. Our schools vision statement is "a community of artists learning and growing together." I think this motto works for our school because everyone that goes here is in some form an artist, and I've also seen teamwork here more than I have at any other school. I think it helps new people or people that don't go to our school have some insight into what the school is like, but I think to truly understand one must experience being a student here. Though it was a noble attempt and I think the person(s) who wrote the statement understood our school well, I don't think Creative Arts can ever really be put into words. I see the vision statement as purely something for outsiders, probably the administrations way of trying to categorize our school. 

Changesss

This weekend, like many others was pretty dull, but for once I'm okay with that. I went to work, tidied up my room a bit, did a couple loads of laundry, attempted filming, re-read Twilight, and was on facebook, and that sums up my weekend. Though this was slightly boring, I didn't feel pathetic for not doing someone over the weekend (like I usually do). I accepted that I was alone and used the time to relax. And though I wasn't happy per say, I wasn't sad either. I just was. So, I believe this is a step in the right direction. I think once we are able to accept something we're also able to move on. 

As far as the college goal thing, I'm going to spend the rest of the hour working on an essay for it. I hope this is an acceptable use of time.

ebb and flow

Yesterday I sort of did the opposite of my goal. I went to bed late-or early seeing that it was one in the morning, I avoided doing things of importance by reading instead, and I complained to myself about everything that I needed to be doing. But I think goals have an ebb and flow. I think that some days you work really hard toward achieving a goal and put a lot of effort into it, while other days you do the opposite of what you want to do, you slip. It's a 2 steps forward and one step back kind of thing. I also think that it's mind over matter. I think that when you really want to make a change, you take all of the steps necessary (though some drawbacks are expected). I hope that today and tomorrow are better than yesterday. Positive thoughts might get me somewhere.

"Don't worry be happy." Yeah, something like that will do.

college and the future

Seeing that my main focus right now is applying to colleges and my future in general, I thought that would be the best thing for me to blog about. Some thoughts-
-The future scares me.
-I've been avoiding applying to schools. Do I really want to go to any of them?
-I've decided to apply to these schools: Alberta College of Art+Design, Minneapolis College of Art and Design, The University of Minnnesota, and Columbia. All of which have a certain appeal. Making the decision to take action took some of the anxiety off, and it will give me greater peace of mind to have it done.
-I considered taking a year off to travel Europe, that's probably irrational, but it gave me the deepest sense of calm for a while.
-If I decide not to go to college right away (because I'll go eventually I'm sure), I might live in California for awhile.
-Deadlines are quickly approaching and that makes me really nervous.
-One of the reasons I want to go to college is because I don't want to wind up like my parents...

These thoughts are the type of thing that are constantly circling in my head right now.

goal for 2009+blog focus

Books about happiness often say the key points of happiness are eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, having a sense of purpose, acceptance, and becoming grateful for what you have. So happiness is a pretty hefty goal to give yourself, you see. I'll try to work a little on all of these things and we'll see where that gets me. 

As far as my blog focus, I'm not sure what I want that to be. I'll decide tomorrow. 

winter break & such

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." 

-- T.S. Eliot

My interpretation of the quote above is this- Each year we change, what was said and done last year is in the past. The past belongs in the past and we must wait to see what the future brings. Accepting that the past is over brings about a new path with new choices. 

My break...

Excluding what seems to always be a part of my life, work, and procrastinating things that really need to get done by spending time on facebook, I got to catch up on my reading, among other things. Speaking of important procrastinated things I finally finished my first college essay, and I'm actually pretty proud of it. I spent some of break shopping, but I didn't buy much. One thing I did get was the first twilight book. I know, I'm one of them now... okay maybe not to that extreme. I'm not a 13 year old girl so obsessed with twilight that I have posters all over my walls, and I'm not going around saying "Omg, Edward Cullen is soooo hot." But I will admit I love the saga. I avoided this being the case, because I didn't want to become part of the cult. Curiosity got the best of me one day. I was at the mall with my friend Barb when I suggested that we see Twilight, I was pretty nonchalant about it, not yet knowing how obsessed with it I would become. So we saw the movie, and I knew that now I had to read the books. One day after Christmas I got the first of the saga called Twilight. When I'm truly interested in a book I tend to lose myself in it. I spent basically the entire day reading it. I was up until 1:30 in the morning, I just had to know what happened next. The next day I read the entire second book online. So in two days I read the first two books. This time I stayed up until 2:30 A.M. And then I began the third book online, unfortunately I had to go to work so I couldn't finish that one. After work I bought the third book, that was last night. I knew I couldn't stay up as late reading this time so I settled on 12:30. I knew I should have gone to bed earlier, probably around 10, but I couldn't resist. I was still reading the book this morning, once on the bus, and then as soon as I got to school. So much for socializing after break. Despite my freakish behavior, I did do "normal" things too. Like I said, I hung out with my friend Barbara at MOA, and my friend Courtney came over too. We had a lot to talk about because I don't even remember the last time we actually hung out. I also hung out with my friend Aaron. His friend Ray, who I happen to have a crush on, was originally going to be coming along too. Aaron knows about the crush and agreed that all of us hanging out together would be fun. I suggested that he come along too because I don't know Ray even yet to feel comfortable with him alone. But like I said, that plan didn't happen. Aaron asked Ray the day of it would work for Ray, Ray said hanging out would be possible after he got off of work... then last minute he had to cancel because his plans changed. He was going to be going out of town the next day, but his ride changed their mind and decided to leave that night. Needless to say I was disappointed. It wound up being a pretty fun night all the same. Aaron and I decided to hang out regardless, and he invited his friend Luke who was going on Military leave the next day. We were chilling around Cafe Latte at first, then because we were antsy while waiting for my ride decided to take a walk. The walk was pretty long and we wound up in front of Kolaski's... only to have to turn all the way back when I realized that my mom might be waiting outside. I called her asking for a ride about an hour ago, and got no response. I attempted calling our house three times in between that hour, because unfortunately she doesn't have a cell phone. Turns out she had come to Cafe Latte, but since she didn't see me there she assumed that I took the bus and she went back home. I called her again, after an hour, this time she picked up. She was furious, but picked me up. Despite the ride situation, we had fun. I was laughing nearly the whole time. And then there was New Years Eve. I hung out with my ex Jake that day. We baked a couple of pumpkin pies. I gave him the CD that I promised to give him for his birthday/christmas (his birthday is April 7th) and he gave me money to buy my birthday/christmas gift (my birthday is September 19th). We went to Chipotle next, and then he took me to work. After work the plan was to have a little shindig at my friend Caitie's new house (she now lives in a Condo by herself), but the other people bailed out. In the end it was just me and Caitie. She didn't have her TV or internet hooked up yet, so we couldn't watch the ball drop. So, instead of our fun plans we watched the entire first season of Laguana Beach, excluding one episode... while saying how lame we were for doing it the majority of the time. I didn't get much sleep that morning because I forgot my pajama's and I don't sleep well in clothes. The next day I was in need of coffee for sure. The rest of break was spent at my dad's place in NE Minneapolis. And that's pretty much it. 

*As you may remember, my goal set for 2009 was learning how to be happy again. 

if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad

we were asked to ponder what makes us happy. i've come to the conclusion that good food and good company are pretty high up on the list. that, as well as beauty, intellectual conversations and laughter. art. words and poetry. the beach! autumn. knowing. clothes. dreaming, designing, cooking, acting, singing, etc. etc. just things that I love doing make me happy. travel is fun. things that are deemed "adorable" like small children and cute couples make me smile. hugs are nice. feeling accomplished makes me happy. enjoying the small moments that make life complete; like sunny days that you want to spend outside... little things make me happy.

Happy 2009 btw! :]