Final day of Blogging with Becky

This has been a crazy week. My previous blog pretty much captures the anxiety of it all. Performance Night (last night) was really fun however. I sang along to almost every song, and danced in my seat. I cheered energetically when each performance was done, and I danced my heart out. I really like dancing, and didn't even focus on the crowd, just the beat of the music.  

How are my goals going you ask? Well, I'm going to be really honest and say that I haven't done anything about the California situation. I've just been trying to make it through this week. I can tell you what I plan to do though. Monday I will choose the few classes that I'm going to take, though I don't need the credits...long story. Then the next time that I'm at work I will ask my boss for more hours (seeing that much of my day is freed up from lack of homework and classes). If that isn't an option I will be forced to get a second job. The purpose of more work being what other than needing the money. I'll also have to begin actually talking to my family and friends in Cali on a regular basis... you know, to make it less awkward when I say "Hey, do you think I can live with you for a while? You know, until I get a job?" So, that's the plan, we'll see how the follow-through is.  Oh, and I still have no idea when I'll actually be moving there, I suppose that depends on how much money I can save up. Cool.

Am I happy? Yes and no. Right now I'm super tired (like everyone else) so I'm seeing things in a less than bright light, but being able to sleep in tomorrow will make me happy I'm sure. Sleep feels nice for sure. But things are much better now. I'm not sure what's making the change. I'm just thankful that life feels better. And that's the end. 

Arggghhhh

Though today was a very monumental day in history (first black president and all that jazz), it was a very aggravating day for me. Now let me complain to you and tell you why that is :)... Firstly, I went to bed late the night before- after finally finishing one of the two procrastinated papers for Rich. Secondly, this morning when I could/should have been working on either a)blogging or b)working on my other paper for Rich (due later in the day), I instead practiced the song I was PLANNING on singing for Performance Night. I listened to it repeatedly during the hour, that as well as read the lyrics over and over. Then while watching the inauguration, I sang the song over and over in my head, hoping that I would have all of the words memorized by lunch time. The memorization was crucial because of these factors: my make-shift band did not work out, though I still practiced the song we were planning on playing in feeble hope that we would be able to play it still (which is a story in itself)... and so I was left to my own devices, and step one. Over the weekend I also practiced a song to sing a cappella as a plan b, this is the song that I was also working on this A.M. So I spoke with Booker about my plan b, he told me that I could have an auditon during lunch... that never happened, and so Booker told me that my audition would just be at the run through during fifth hour-which cut into my much needed video editing time (I was two days behind seeing that Cadex wasn't here because he got into a car accident O.O), but I saccarficed this because being able to sing at Performance Night was more important to me at the time. As it turns out, this was a mistake. I was nervous during the run through because I was being judged by Booker, would I be deemed worthy? I glanced at the sheet with the lyrics on it because I wasn't confident about singing the right thing, that and I didn't look much at the people in the room. After I sang during 5th hour Booker asked me to stay behind to talk, he said he "didn't think I was quite Performance ready. Blah, blah, next time, blah, blah" Needless to say I was PISSED OFF. I calmly answered "Okay." But inside I was heated. All that work, for nothing! Luckily I was able to ration with myself, I probably wasn't ready and not performing saved me the stress of worrying about how I would perform. That, and I wasn't really angry with Booker or the people that I was collaberating with, I was just upset with the situation. To help myself stew even less I made myself do something productive. I told Booker that since I missed editing my film 5th hour that I would be doing it for his sixth hour painting class. So I was happy that my day wasn't a total loss. If only that weren't the end of the bad day... oh no. I missed the 50 by a second and so I had to take a 16, which is slower so the chances were likely that I would be late to work. And THEN, the stupid fucking bus ate my DAMN buscard!!! Which meant that instead of getting a transfer I would have to use my last two dollars to get on my next bus. It also meant that I would have to pay an additonal 2.25 the next day to school AND explain to Tim what happen. Yes, my day was going just peachy fucking keen. But then, things started to get okay. I made it to work on time, got a couple of pops in my system and began to perk up. As it reached the hour of 8 o'clock my eyes were fixated on the clock. I needed to leave now, I needed to get my paper done. I was in such a hurry that I forgot that I needed by buy razorblades in order to wear the outfit that I was planning on wearing for the dance performance... so now I of course need to think of something completely different to wear, but that is so the least of my worries... Then after work I managed the unbelievable feet of finishing the other paper for Rich and then emailing it to him. I really hope that he accepts it at this late of an hour because it was really time consuming!!! Whew, what a long day. I appologize for this rant, esspecially the vile language haha... but sometimes it just feels good to write in such a manner.

time may change me, but I can't trace time

This week has been really busy, so busy that time went by without me realizing it. I feels like Monday was yesterday. Either way, I'm glad it's Friday, my favorite day of the week. This morning I woke up in an exceptionally good mood. I feel light, bubbly, giggly, and in the mood to joke around. It feels great, so I hope the mood continues. This weekend looks promising so I think it just might.

It's amazing how I can go from thinking about one thing non-stop to not thinking about it at all. I honestly haven't even had time to think about the future these last few days because I've been focused on the present. I have to write two research papers for Rich; finish a painting for Booker; I have to find my cues for the song that I'm doing for open mic.; I've had to work; I need to write some more blogs (because I have an inkling that I need more); my mom and I have been arguing a lot, so that's been on my mind too; I'm hanging out with friends this weekend, and I'm sure there's more, those are just the top priorities. Le sigh.

soundtrack

Errr... songs that represent my life, hmmm... most of the music I like more for the sound than for the lyrics, but I'm sure something by the beatles would be in my life's soundtrack. And um... Duffy to represent the way I sing, and Ting Tings "Shut up and let me go"-how I felt after a major break up, Rage Against The Machine "How I could just kill a man"-perfect song for when I'm pissed off, Marley "I wanna love ya, and treat you right..."-This is something I listen to when I'm in a good mood. Vitamin C "Graduation"-I've wanted to sing this at my graduation since the first time I heard it. Etc. This is the best list that I can come up with right now. : (

Obama and my update

6 word phrases: 

.The time for change is now. Well, that ones already taken, but it's still a good one!

...

yeah

Class ideas, yay: 1)Perhaps you can teach a class in which the students write a novel and work on it the majority of the quarter, seeing that most novels take a lot of time. 2)Decipher Shakespearean works. That's all I've got folks.

Update:

*goal-I'm feeling a lot more content with my life right now. I think yoga and dance are helping that effort. I also think allowing myself to feel sad for a while helped. I know that I can't always be happy, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to be happy as often as possible. 

*writing project- The stress I felt about college applications has developed into a new anxiety, the new future I've decided to take a risk with. As crazy as it may sound, I've decided that I'm going to go to California to pursue acting. A few of my family members live there so I'd have a place to stay for a while. My plan so far is to first find a job to afford living expenses and when I'm not working put all of my energy into auditioning for television shows and films. Wish me luck, I know this is going to be a challenge and a half.

vision statement crap

I think the purpose of a vision statement is to have a sense of organization. When the vision statement is clear, we know the goal we are working towards. Our schools vision statement is "a community of artists learning and growing together." I think this motto works for our school because everyone that goes here is in some form an artist, and I've also seen teamwork here more than I have at any other school. I think it helps new people or people that don't go to our school have some insight into what the school is like, but I think to truly understand one must experience being a student here. Though it was a noble attempt and I think the person(s) who wrote the statement understood our school well, I don't think Creative Arts can ever really be put into words. I see the vision statement as purely something for outsiders, probably the administrations way of trying to categorize our school. 

Changesss

This weekend, like many others was pretty dull, but for once I'm okay with that. I went to work, tidied up my room a bit, did a couple loads of laundry, attempted filming, re-read Twilight, and was on facebook, and that sums up my weekend. Though this was slightly boring, I didn't feel pathetic for not doing someone over the weekend (like I usually do). I accepted that I was alone and used the time to relax. And though I wasn't happy per say, I wasn't sad either. I just was. So, I believe this is a step in the right direction. I think once we are able to accept something we're also able to move on. 

As far as the college goal thing, I'm going to spend the rest of the hour working on an essay for it. I hope this is an acceptable use of time.