self loathing. sleep it away.

Lately I've been in a major funk. Today I feel really rotten. I just want to fall asleep and wake up to good times and happiness, a time where things seem good again. My perception of life feels really bleak, I feel depressed and don't understand why. It's not like my life is horrible, it's quite good in comparison to others hardships, but I still can't shake the feeling of sadness and some anger. I'm trying really hard to stop feeling like this, but nothing seems to be working. I hate that. What am I doing with my life? I'm already 18 and feel like I've done nothing to truly impact the world. I want to do great things. I want to be famous, but I'm just me. I want life to be an adventure, but my life feels so dull and repetitive. I sometimes feel like a failure. I have major self esteem issues at times, mostly on days like this. I'm constantly losing or forgetting important things, and wonder how I would deal if I actual had a busy life. I'm upset with myself and the way my life is going. I keep saying that I will do things out of character, out of the norm, and not care what people think, but I always play it safe. I think of all the possible downsides to a situation and then I don't go through with it. I don't like risks. Risks that reveal who I am, scars and all, because I feel ugly on the inside and can't let anyone else see that part of me. Afraid to fall, can't handle rejection. I've slowly become more open than I used to be, but I don't feel like it's enough. I can never do anything good enough in my own eyes and it really hurts. I wish I could just let go. I want to scream, but no, I have to say composed. I really want to just say "fuck it" some days and not get out of bed, what's the point? I know I'll regret it later, so I get up grudgingly. I know things get better eventually. Will there ever be a day that I don't have to look to the future for happiness, can't it be now?