finding happiness. ha, i think that's the name of a motivational book...great.

In my A-Z blog I think I spoke of a lot of changes that I would like to make. Every week or so it seems that I find something that I would like to improve about myself. I think the most useful goal to focus on would be happiness, which would involve destressing when need be. I have always pictured my senior year being nothing less than great. I saw it as a time full of fun and adventure, so far however it has almost been the opposite and I've somehow sunk into a depression, possibly because of that. When I came to this realization I attempted to start eating more fruits and vegetables as well as drink more water... That nutrition has got to help something right? I'm even dancing and doing yoga, I've read that that helps depression too. But I've been getting less sleep these last few weeks and haven't been eating much (for a person that has been called skinny on numerous occasions I can eat a lot and so not eating as much kind of worries me). In my life I've gone through phases of apathy and lack of motivation, but they usually don't last long, a week, if that. I just feel like this year I've been in a perpetual state of unhappiness and I want it to just stop. I want to stop complaining about it, I'm sure it gets annoying. I attempted to focus on what I'm grateful for, but my mind always goes back to what I lack and wish I had. I've tried doing things solely for myself, thinking if I did something "selfish" it wouldn't really hurt anyone and I would feel better, but that didn't work. I then tried doing many favors for others, hoping that by doing something nice for them I would feel good about myself. Happiness for all of this was short lived. I don't understand what's going on, maybe I just need someone to talk to, but I feel like I would just be saying the same things over and over. I know that I can't force myself to feel an emotion, but I can look for ways to understand what I'm going through and fix them, thus creating happiness.