Final day of Blogging with Becky

This has been a crazy week. My previous blog pretty much captures the anxiety of it all. Performance Night (last night) was really fun however. I sang along to almost every song, and danced in my seat. I cheered energetically when each performance was done, and I danced my heart out. I really like dancing, and didn't even focus on the crowd, just the beat of the music.  

How are my goals going you ask? Well, I'm going to be really honest and say that I haven't done anything about the California situation. I've just been trying to make it through this week. I can tell you what I plan to do though. Monday I will choose the few classes that I'm going to take, though I don't need the credits...long story. Then the next time that I'm at work I will ask my boss for more hours (seeing that much of my day is freed up from lack of homework and classes). If that isn't an option I will be forced to get a second job. The purpose of more work being what other than needing the money. I'll also have to begin actually talking to my family and friends in Cali on a regular basis... you know, to make it less awkward when I say "Hey, do you think I can live with you for a while? You know, until I get a job?" So, that's the plan, we'll see how the follow-through is.  Oh, and I still have no idea when I'll actually be moving there, I suppose that depends on how much money I can save up. Cool.

Am I happy? Yes and no. Right now I'm super tired (like everyone else) so I'm seeing things in a less than bright light, but being able to sleep in tomorrow will make me happy I'm sure. Sleep feels nice for sure. But things are much better now. I'm not sure what's making the change. I'm just thankful that life feels better. And that's the end. 

Arggghhhh

Though today was a very monumental day in history (first black president and all that jazz), it was a very aggravating day for me. Now let me complain to you and tell you why that is :)... Firstly, I went to bed late the night before- after finally finishing one of the two procrastinated papers for Rich. Secondly, this morning when I could/should have been working on either a)blogging or b)working on my other paper for Rich (due later in the day), I instead practiced the song I was PLANNING on singing for Performance Night. I listened to it repeatedly during the hour, that as well as read the lyrics over and over. Then while watching the inauguration, I sang the song over and over in my head, hoping that I would have all of the words memorized by lunch time. The memorization was crucial because of these factors: my make-shift band did not work out, though I still practiced the song we were planning on playing in feeble hope that we would be able to play it still (which is a story in itself)... and so I was left to my own devices, and step one. Over the weekend I also practiced a song to sing a cappella as a plan b, this is the song that I was also working on this A.M. So I spoke with Booker about my plan b, he told me that I could have an auditon during lunch... that never happened, and so Booker told me that my audition would just be at the run through during fifth hour-which cut into my much needed video editing time (I was two days behind seeing that Cadex wasn't here because he got into a car accident O.O), but I saccarficed this because being able to sing at Performance Night was more important to me at the time. As it turns out, this was a mistake. I was nervous during the run through because I was being judged by Booker, would I be deemed worthy? I glanced at the sheet with the lyrics on it because I wasn't confident about singing the right thing, that and I didn't look much at the people in the room. After I sang during 5th hour Booker asked me to stay behind to talk, he said he "didn't think I was quite Performance ready. Blah, blah, next time, blah, blah" Needless to say I was PISSED OFF. I calmly answered "Okay." But inside I was heated. All that work, for nothing! Luckily I was able to ration with myself, I probably wasn't ready and not performing saved me the stress of worrying about how I would perform. That, and I wasn't really angry with Booker or the people that I was collaberating with, I was just upset with the situation. To help myself stew even less I made myself do something productive. I told Booker that since I missed editing my film 5th hour that I would be doing it for his sixth hour painting class. So I was happy that my day wasn't a total loss. If only that weren't the end of the bad day... oh no. I missed the 50 by a second and so I had to take a 16, which is slower so the chances were likely that I would be late to work. And THEN, the stupid fucking bus ate my DAMN buscard!!! Which meant that instead of getting a transfer I would have to use my last two dollars to get on my next bus. It also meant that I would have to pay an additonal 2.25 the next day to school AND explain to Tim what happen. Yes, my day was going just peachy fucking keen. But then, things started to get okay. I made it to work on time, got a couple of pops in my system and began to perk up. As it reached the hour of 8 o'clock my eyes were fixated on the clock. I needed to leave now, I needed to get my paper done. I was in such a hurry that I forgot that I needed by buy razorblades in order to wear the outfit that I was planning on wearing for the dance performance... so now I of course need to think of something completely different to wear, but that is so the least of my worries... Then after work I managed the unbelievable feet of finishing the other paper for Rich and then emailing it to him. I really hope that he accepts it at this late of an hour because it was really time consuming!!! Whew, what a long day. I appologize for this rant, esspecially the vile language haha... but sometimes it just feels good to write in such a manner.

time may change me, but I can't trace time

This week has been really busy, so busy that time went by without me realizing it. I feels like Monday was yesterday. Either way, I'm glad it's Friday, my favorite day of the week. This morning I woke up in an exceptionally good mood. I feel light, bubbly, giggly, and in the mood to joke around. It feels great, so I hope the mood continues. This weekend looks promising so I think it just might.

It's amazing how I can go from thinking about one thing non-stop to not thinking about it at all. I honestly haven't even had time to think about the future these last few days because I've been focused on the present. I have to write two research papers for Rich; finish a painting for Booker; I have to find my cues for the song that I'm doing for open mic.; I've had to work; I need to write some more blogs (because I have an inkling that I need more); my mom and I have been arguing a lot, so that's been on my mind too; I'm hanging out with friends this weekend, and I'm sure there's more, those are just the top priorities. Le sigh.

soundtrack

Errr... songs that represent my life, hmmm... most of the music I like more for the sound than for the lyrics, but I'm sure something by the beatles would be in my life's soundtrack. And um... Duffy to represent the way I sing, and Ting Tings "Shut up and let me go"-how I felt after a major break up, Rage Against The Machine "How I could just kill a man"-perfect song for when I'm pissed off, Marley "I wanna love ya, and treat you right..."-This is something I listen to when I'm in a good mood. Vitamin C "Graduation"-I've wanted to sing this at my graduation since the first time I heard it. Etc. This is the best list that I can come up with right now. : (

Obama and my update

6 word phrases: 

.The time for change is now. Well, that ones already taken, but it's still a good one!

...

yeah

Class ideas, yay: 1)Perhaps you can teach a class in which the students write a novel and work on it the majority of the quarter, seeing that most novels take a lot of time. 2)Decipher Shakespearean works. That's all I've got folks.

Update:

*goal-I'm feeling a lot more content with my life right now. I think yoga and dance are helping that effort. I also think allowing myself to feel sad for a while helped. I know that I can't always be happy, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to be happy as often as possible. 

*writing project- The stress I felt about college applications has developed into a new anxiety, the new future I've decided to take a risk with. As crazy as it may sound, I've decided that I'm going to go to California to pursue acting. A few of my family members live there so I'd have a place to stay for a while. My plan so far is to first find a job to afford living expenses and when I'm not working put all of my energy into auditioning for television shows and films. Wish me luck, I know this is going to be a challenge and a half.

vision statement crap

I think the purpose of a vision statement is to have a sense of organization. When the vision statement is clear, we know the goal we are working towards. Our schools vision statement is "a community of artists learning and growing together." I think this motto works for our school because everyone that goes here is in some form an artist, and I've also seen teamwork here more than I have at any other school. I think it helps new people or people that don't go to our school have some insight into what the school is like, but I think to truly understand one must experience being a student here. Though it was a noble attempt and I think the person(s) who wrote the statement understood our school well, I don't think Creative Arts can ever really be put into words. I see the vision statement as purely something for outsiders, probably the administrations way of trying to categorize our school. 

Changesss

This weekend, like many others was pretty dull, but for once I'm okay with that. I went to work, tidied up my room a bit, did a couple loads of laundry, attempted filming, re-read Twilight, and was on facebook, and that sums up my weekend. Though this was slightly boring, I didn't feel pathetic for not doing someone over the weekend (like I usually do). I accepted that I was alone and used the time to relax. And though I wasn't happy per say, I wasn't sad either. I just was. So, I believe this is a step in the right direction. I think once we are able to accept something we're also able to move on. 

As far as the college goal thing, I'm going to spend the rest of the hour working on an essay for it. I hope this is an acceptable use of time.

ebb and flow

Yesterday I sort of did the opposite of my goal. I went to bed late-or early seeing that it was one in the morning, I avoided doing things of importance by reading instead, and I complained to myself about everything that I needed to be doing. But I think goals have an ebb and flow. I think that some days you work really hard toward achieving a goal and put a lot of effort into it, while other days you do the opposite of what you want to do, you slip. It's a 2 steps forward and one step back kind of thing. I also think that it's mind over matter. I think that when you really want to make a change, you take all of the steps necessary (though some drawbacks are expected). I hope that today and tomorrow are better than yesterday. Positive thoughts might get me somewhere.

"Don't worry be happy." Yeah, something like that will do.

college and the future

Seeing that my main focus right now is applying to colleges and my future in general, I thought that would be the best thing for me to blog about. Some thoughts-
-The future scares me.
-I've been avoiding applying to schools. Do I really want to go to any of them?
-I've decided to apply to these schools: Alberta College of Art+Design, Minneapolis College of Art and Design, The University of Minnnesota, and Columbia. All of which have a certain appeal. Making the decision to take action took some of the anxiety off, and it will give me greater peace of mind to have it done.
-I considered taking a year off to travel Europe, that's probably irrational, but it gave me the deepest sense of calm for a while.
-If I decide not to go to college right away (because I'll go eventually I'm sure), I might live in California for awhile.
-Deadlines are quickly approaching and that makes me really nervous.
-One of the reasons I want to go to college is because I don't want to wind up like my parents...

These thoughts are the type of thing that are constantly circling in my head right now.

goal for 2009+blog focus

Books about happiness often say the key points of happiness are eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, having a sense of purpose, acceptance, and becoming grateful for what you have. So happiness is a pretty hefty goal to give yourself, you see. I'll try to work a little on all of these things and we'll see where that gets me. 

As far as my blog focus, I'm not sure what I want that to be. I'll decide tomorrow. 

winter break & such

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." 

-- T.S. Eliot

My interpretation of the quote above is this- Each year we change, what was said and done last year is in the past. The past belongs in the past and we must wait to see what the future brings. Accepting that the past is over brings about a new path with new choices. 

My break...

Excluding what seems to always be a part of my life, work, and procrastinating things that really need to get done by spending time on facebook, I got to catch up on my reading, among other things. Speaking of important procrastinated things I finally finished my first college essay, and I'm actually pretty proud of it. I spent some of break shopping, but I didn't buy much. One thing I did get was the first twilight book. I know, I'm one of them now... okay maybe not to that extreme. I'm not a 13 year old girl so obsessed with twilight that I have posters all over my walls, and I'm not going around saying "Omg, Edward Cullen is soooo hot." But I will admit I love the saga. I avoided this being the case, because I didn't want to become part of the cult. Curiosity got the best of me one day. I was at the mall with my friend Barb when I suggested that we see Twilight, I was pretty nonchalant about it, not yet knowing how obsessed with it I would become. So we saw the movie, and I knew that now I had to read the books. One day after Christmas I got the first of the saga called Twilight. When I'm truly interested in a book I tend to lose myself in it. I spent basically the entire day reading it. I was up until 1:30 in the morning, I just had to know what happened next. The next day I read the entire second book online. So in two days I read the first two books. This time I stayed up until 2:30 A.M. And then I began the third book online, unfortunately I had to go to work so I couldn't finish that one. After work I bought the third book, that was last night. I knew I couldn't stay up as late reading this time so I settled on 12:30. I knew I should have gone to bed earlier, probably around 10, but I couldn't resist. I was still reading the book this morning, once on the bus, and then as soon as I got to school. So much for socializing after break. Despite my freakish behavior, I did do "normal" things too. Like I said, I hung out with my friend Barbara at MOA, and my friend Courtney came over too. We had a lot to talk about because I don't even remember the last time we actually hung out. I also hung out with my friend Aaron. His friend Ray, who I happen to have a crush on, was originally going to be coming along too. Aaron knows about the crush and agreed that all of us hanging out together would be fun. I suggested that he come along too because I don't know Ray even yet to feel comfortable with him alone. But like I said, that plan didn't happen. Aaron asked Ray the day of it would work for Ray, Ray said hanging out would be possible after he got off of work... then last minute he had to cancel because his plans changed. He was going to be going out of town the next day, but his ride changed their mind and decided to leave that night. Needless to say I was disappointed. It wound up being a pretty fun night all the same. Aaron and I decided to hang out regardless, and he invited his friend Luke who was going on Military leave the next day. We were chilling around Cafe Latte at first, then because we were antsy while waiting for my ride decided to take a walk. The walk was pretty long and we wound up in front of Kolaski's... only to have to turn all the way back when I realized that my mom might be waiting outside. I called her asking for a ride about an hour ago, and got no response. I attempted calling our house three times in between that hour, because unfortunately she doesn't have a cell phone. Turns out she had come to Cafe Latte, but since she didn't see me there she assumed that I took the bus and she went back home. I called her again, after an hour, this time she picked up. She was furious, but picked me up. Despite the ride situation, we had fun. I was laughing nearly the whole time. And then there was New Years Eve. I hung out with my ex Jake that day. We baked a couple of pumpkin pies. I gave him the CD that I promised to give him for his birthday/christmas (his birthday is April 7th) and he gave me money to buy my birthday/christmas gift (my birthday is September 19th). We went to Chipotle next, and then he took me to work. After work the plan was to have a little shindig at my friend Caitie's new house (she now lives in a Condo by herself), but the other people bailed out. In the end it was just me and Caitie. She didn't have her TV or internet hooked up yet, so we couldn't watch the ball drop. So, instead of our fun plans we watched the entire first season of Laguana Beach, excluding one episode... while saying how lame we were for doing it the majority of the time. I didn't get much sleep that morning because I forgot my pajama's and I don't sleep well in clothes. The next day I was in need of coffee for sure. The rest of break was spent at my dad's place in NE Minneapolis. And that's pretty much it. 

*As you may remember, my goal set for 2009 was learning how to be happy again. 

if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad

we were asked to ponder what makes us happy. i've come to the conclusion that good food and good company are pretty high up on the list. that, as well as beauty, intellectual conversations and laughter. art. words and poetry. the beach! autumn. knowing. clothes. dreaming, designing, cooking, acting, singing, etc. etc. just things that I love doing make me happy. travel is fun. things that are deemed "adorable" like small children and cute couples make me smile. hugs are nice. feeling accomplished makes me happy. enjoying the small moments that make life complete; like sunny days that you want to spend outside... little things make me happy.

Happy 2009 btw! :]

magnetic poetry round two

The last time we worked with magnetic poetry I really enjoyed it so I thought that I would give it another go.

Prisoner
let the steel rot away
your words too slow
yet form like liquid poetry
your lips create a sacred pool
so warm are your words
keep sailing on into the night
rob me of sanity
my breath is gone
you took my breath away


~
three makes two
when you take the one away
don't try to make sense of it
it's not something you can
control
lose control
let two become one
don't worry
i'll be here
like i've always been
holding your hand
just being there
now it's your turn
come find me

finding happiness. ha, i think that's the name of a motivational book...great.

In my A-Z blog I think I spoke of a lot of changes that I would like to make. Every week or so it seems that I find something that I would like to improve about myself. I think the most useful goal to focus on would be happiness, which would involve destressing when need be. I have always pictured my senior year being nothing less than great. I saw it as a time full of fun and adventure, so far however it has almost been the opposite and I've somehow sunk into a depression, possibly because of that. When I came to this realization I attempted to start eating more fruits and vegetables as well as drink more water... That nutrition has got to help something right? I'm even dancing and doing yoga, I've read that that helps depression too. But I've been getting less sleep these last few weeks and haven't been eating much (for a person that has been called skinny on numerous occasions I can eat a lot and so not eating as much kind of worries me). In my life I've gone through phases of apathy and lack of motivation, but they usually don't last long, a week, if that. I just feel like this year I've been in a perpetual state of unhappiness and I want it to just stop. I want to stop complaining about it, I'm sure it gets annoying. I attempted to focus on what I'm grateful for, but my mind always goes back to what I lack and wish I had. I've tried doing things solely for myself, thinking if I did something "selfish" it wouldn't really hurt anyone and I would feel better, but that didn't work. I then tried doing many favors for others, hoping that by doing something nice for them I would feel good about myself. Happiness for all of this was short lived. I don't understand what's going on, maybe I just need someone to talk to, but I feel like I would just be saying the same things over and over. I know that I can't force myself to feel an emotion, but I can look for ways to understand what I'm going through and fix them, thus creating happiness.

A-Z, my 2008

A- Awesomeeee. This was the catchphrase of my friend Ryann from MCAD. She had a way of drawing out the word in a silly way. Needless to say it began uses it the same way quite frequently.
B- Blogging. This is a recent thing that I've taken up via the class "Blogging with Becky" it's something that I hope to continue because surprisingly I enjoy it.
C- Caitie. My best friend, I guess you could say, and pretty much the only person I hang out with outside of school anymore.
D- Dad. My dad and I have a lot in common, he's very near and dear to my heart.
E- Eventful. What I wish my life was, sadly I'm bored the majority of the time. I write this as a reminder that if I want things to happen I can't just wait around for them to me, sometimes I have to go to them... so if I want to be doing a lot of activities and going to a lot of events I have make the effort to do so.
F- Fake. Something I don't like about myself. I feel like I gossip about people and am nice to them the next and I still don't feel completely comfortable in my own skin and so I feel like I have to act like the people around me, and being like them makes me fake because I'm not saying what I really think or how I really feel.
G- Google. It's a very helpful website for all the little things that I'm curious about. It's also pretty useful for research papers : ).
H-Hairstyles. Lately I've been thinking about lots of ways that I can change my hair. Don't get me wrong, I really like my natural color and have always felt that a medium length is the best look for me, but I sort of want to experiement with it while I'm still young. I want to try auburn and then blond with pink underneath, crazy I know.
I- Independent. Now that I'm 18 I feel like I should be more responsible and not blame others for my own mistakes. I've been trying to be independent more and more so when I'm on my own making important decisions won't be as difficult.
J- Guy's whose name starts with J. I usually find myself crushing on a guy whose names starts with this letter, and I'm pretty boy crazy (believe it or not) so it's usually more than one guy at a time. I just think it's a funny coincidence.
K- Kare 11, a news channel that I find myself watching to know what's up locally and nationally.
L- Love. Fascinating, confusing, wonderful, are words that I would use to describe it. Patience, understanding and time are what I feel it requires. I'm in love with the idea of love, I've been searching for it for awhile now.
M- Music. I wake up to it, it's gets me going, pumps me up. It's an emotional release, I blast it when I'm pissed off. It adds to any experience, sound makes movies more interesting, (in my opinion) and motivates people to dance. I'm also a pretty musical person who likes to sing and play a few instruments.
N- Neglect. This year I have been extremely anti-social. I never hang out with my old friends, I never call them or if by chance they call me return their calls, so in essence by neglecting my so called friends I've become a loner. Fun stuff.
O- Open. I strive to be open-minded about things that are new or unusual to me. I'm also trying to be open by telling people how I feel (as cheesy as that may sound) because I always feel afraid to share these things.
P- Photography. I have a habit of losing my camera, and find it when I clean my room. Sadly the last time that I cleaned my room I didn't find it. Wish me luck.
Q- Quiet time. I need a lot of just that to clear my thoughts. When I don't have time to just sit and think and sit by myself I go crazy.
R- Reality. I've drifted from it at many points this year, fantasy just seems so much better, but I know that I can't live my life in a dream world and some day I will have to face the real world, hardships, mistakes and all.
S- Sarcasm. I am so sarcastic so often that sometimes I don't even realize that I've made a sarcastic remark. I should probably work on that.
T- Television. I was once a coach potato, but was able to ween myself away from it eventually. I stopped watching TV cold turkey for nearly a year (because once I turn it on I can't bring myself to turn it on) but this year I've started to sink back into my old habits. I watch TV because I'm stressed and when I get stressed I stop doing anything at all, I freeze up not knowing how to handle the situation.
U- Universities, or rather colleges. (so I guess I'm cheating on this one) Applying to such places and thinking about my future, it's pretty intimidating.
V- Videos. My weekends almost always consist of watching at least one movie. I'm currently taking video production so I'm making videos too. I'm learning just how much work it takes to make a video. It took me at least 3 hours editing pieces of video for an end product that wasn't more than 2 minutes.
W- Winter. My least favorite season because of the cold, but I've learned to adapt to it. I'll have to seeing that next year I might be living in Canada. And if I layer up it's actually not that bad.
X- Xerox copies. My mom tends to make a copy of anything she deems important, which includes a lot of my old poetry and artwork. I guess I should be proud that she wants to do that, but I sort of feel embarrassed, I also see it as sort of a waste of paper.
Y- Youtube. I've recently been able to immerse myself in videos galore, until this point I hadn't been able to watch videos on youtube due to the uber slowness of my computer, I really can't stress how slow it is. I'll just say one word: dial-up. BUT on weekends I am lucky enough to watch as many videos as I want on my dads new and improved HIGH SPEED!!!
Z- Zzz =sleep, or my lack of it. If I don't get at least 10 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie the next day. The last couple of weeks I've found myself starring at my alarm clock at 12:30 a.m and cursing my brain for not being able to turn off.

drunk again

Topic ideas:
.greek myth modernized
.small town happenings
.A DRUNKEN NIGHT
.a journey in a foreign land

Rodney and Alison walk hand in hand down the same road that they always wander past, the familiarity of the routine is comforting, but at they same time both are starting to get bored and not just with the road, but with each other. They are both staring off into space, in two different worlds thinking completely different thoughts. Alison is thinking of how much she misses summer, how carefree it is, unlike now with the pressure of finals. She feels like one bad decision could leave her in shambles. She can't afford to make any mistakes. She has pushed herself so hard to be a doctor, it's been her one and only goal all of her life it seems, but the future seems so uncertain to her now because she's not getting answers. She had never been in a truly serious relationship before because she knew what a distraction it would be. It wasn't planned, but somewhere along the line she fell in love with Rodney. She fell in love with his silly half grin, and the way he got before telling her about his half-baked, wacky ideas. She knew she was a goner when she couldn't stop thinking about the next time she could kiss him, when it consumed her thoughts so much that she didn't hear the professors lectures anymore and they started to ask her in a concerned manner if everything was okay. This went on for some time, years even, and she went from being the top of her class to averaging C's. She sort of resented Rodney for that because she knew she could never go back, and now he was drifting away. None of her plans seemed to be going her way anymore. Now she feels like she needs to pressure Rodney into telling her where he sees the relationship going. She wants to get married, but does he? Is he as committed to the relationship as she is? She's given up everything to make it work between them and is starting to wonder how much he can really give her. While Rodney contimplates feelings of indiciveness, feeling lost, and like he doesn't belong here. He feels like he's doing what everyone else wants him to do and because of that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. But none of that matters as the snow gently falls on their hats and coats. The snow makes them smile because it brings them back to freshman year of college. Rodney glances down at Alison and she looks up at him, he towers over her by at least two feet, and at that moment they know they are thinking the same thought. That's the good thing about being with someone for such a long time, you can hear what the other person is saying without them saying a word. They begin enjoying themselves until they hear the muffled sound of Rodney's phone ringing. He doesn't intend to answer it, he already knows who it's going to be. "Come on, just answer it." Alison urges. Resistance is futile he realizes, Alison is too stubborn, he never wins with her, and so though annoyed, he answers. "Hey man, what's up?" It's who he thought it was, Eliot, his best friend from high school. Eliot calls every weekend to ask the same thing if Rodney wants to party. Eliot doesn't seem to get that Rodney has moved on, Eliot wants to re-live high school and hasn't really matured since then. Eliot is slow to respond. "Dudeee, major party tonight, are you coming or are you gonna be a pussy like always?" It's offical, Eliot is baked like a cake. That's no surprise. What is a surprise is that he hasn't been kicked out school yet, somehow he still hasn't fried his brains and manages to get a B average. "Maybe dude, I'll see what I can do." is Rodney's typical response which he uses yet again. This time he's really considering going because he doesn't want to have a typical Friday night, he wants to forget his problems for a night. Eliot seems sobered up a bit as he says "Alright man, just don't forget to ask permission from your mom, you might get grounded." he says refering to Alison who he has never liked. The first time they met he could sense that she was judging him which he hated and so he was rude to her to "teach her a lesson". Which cases Rodney to lash back in anger, "You know what? Maybe I will come!" You can hear Eliot's approval as he says "Good. I think it would be good for you. You're so serious all the time. Me casa, be there at ocho, I want to talk to you." At this point Rodney hangs up on Eliot. Alison rolls her eyes, "Let me guess, that was Eliot and he wants to partayyy?" "Yeah and I think I'm going to go." Rodney says still angry. "You can't be serious." Alison says in shock. "Why not? You don't approve? I'm a big boy." Rodney vents. "Well you're certainly not acting like it. I'm going home. Call me when you're done having a tantrum." Alison says before she starts to walk away. At this point Rodney would usually chase after her appologizing, but he is too heated. He needs to let off a little steam. He punches a brick wall which causes his knuckles to bleed. Alison looks back in anticipation of seeing Rodney, but he's no where to be found. Her feelings are hurt, but she has to much pride to admit it, she walks even faster back to her apartment. When she gets back she tells her roommate and best friend Amanda everything. Amanda nodds her head simpathetically at all the right points while secretly thinking that Rodney isn't good enough for Alison. "Come on honey, let's get you all dolled up, we're going to have a girls night!" Amanda says with as much enthusiam as she can muster. Alison is reluctant. "I don't know. I don't really feel up for a night on the town. What if he calls? I want to be here." "You can't keep waiting around for him. You deserve a little fun." "Oh alright, I suppose one night of fun won't hurt." Rodney decided roaming around campus would be the best thing to do at the time being. The cold didn't bother him, his anger was like his own personal heater. After a while he was able to stop thinking and just observe his surroundings. The snow covered rooftops, the kids making snowmen and building snowforts, the frost on the store windows. He loves this time of year because the cool air always keeps him awake and full of energy. The walk almost lifts his spirits, but then he sees the liquor store and realizes that it's almost time to go to the party. Rodney casually drops into the store to pick up some cheap vodka, he's sure that it will be needed. Rodney recognizes the store clerk and laughs to himself because this is the same guy he used to show his fake id to in high school, they were acquanances until he quit the party scene. Ted squints at Rodney for a few moments trying to gather where he knows him from and then it hits him. "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. Rodney, my boy, how have ya been holding up?" "Just fine sir, and yourself?" he says as he fishes for his id. As he's about to place the id on the counter Ted lets out a hardy chuckle. "You've been 21 for how many years? Do you really think that I need to see your id?" Rodney laughs back. "I guess not. So how could you tell that I wasn't 21 back then. I thought I was pretty convincing." "Oh you were I recall, it was that Eliot character you were always hanging around that gave you away. If you were to come in by yourself I never would have guessed, you sure looked 21. I mean you were tall enough and had a goatee. I'm sure it helped with the ladies too." "Haha, I guess so. Listen man, it was good catching up with you, but I should get going." "I suppose so, you party animal you. Have fun!" "Just not too much" Ted adds as Rodney walks out the door. "Oh I will. You have no idea." Rodney mutters to himself in a somewhat dark manner.

On his walk to Eliot's, Rodney makes the executive decision to get the party started early, he opens one of the bottles of smirnoff. Rodney grimaces at his first few chugs of the vodka, he's never liked the taste as much as beer or rum, but right now the taste doesn't really matter to him. With half a bottle gone Rodney isn't even tipsy, it appears his reputation for being able to hold his liquor proceeds him. Rodney pauses at Eliot's door step, does he really want to do this? "What have I got to lose?" he figures, as he's about to knock on the door Eliot opens it, he must have seen Rodney standing out there. "Come here" Eliot slurs before giving Rodney a bear hug. "It's good to see you! What have you been doing with yourself lately? Actually forget that I asked, I already know, but it is good to see you." Rodney knew it was a good idea to start drinking before he came here, same old Eliot, just with more facial hair. Rodney judges the best thing to do at this point would be to crack a joke and so the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "I would saw the same thing, but I can't even see you under all that beard." Eliot roars with laughter even though the joke wasn't very good. Rodney shrugs, "I guess things just seem funnier when you're drunk." he thinks to himself. After his laughter ceases in a way that is more matter of fact than cocky he says "I know, isn't it great?" still beaming he motions for Rodney to come in, even though he has already stepped inside. Not sure what to say Rodney just says "Sure. So listen, I got some Smirnoff, I figured it'd be a good mixer. You have pop right?" "No man, actually I'm all out. I'm pretty much tapped out of alcohol too. Would you mind running that errand with me? It'll be like the good ol' days, we can even chat up Ted, he still works at the same place you know. He's a pretty cool guy, for an old geezer I mean." "Yeah, I actually ran into him earlier, but I wouldn't mind seeing him again. And you wish you could be as cool as him when you get that age." Eliot nodds, "I do, I do."

"Haha, that guy is too much." Eliot declares in between chugs of whiskey. Rodney couldn't agree more. Ted had gone home early and his snotty nephew Daniel was left in charge. The whole time Eliot and Rodney were in the store, Daniel stood there eyeballing them as if they were going to steal something. Even as Eliot fished for his wallet Daniel stared at him with obvious disdain. "I almost felt like stealing something just to shove it in his face. We obviously weren't going to, we've been good customers there for years, and it's not like he didn't recognize us." says Rodney started to get worked up. "I know. You should have, it would have been priceless. Then again he would call the cops on you in a blink of an eye." "This is true, but to tell you the truth I don't think I would have cared all that much if I did." "You would care! You know I'm right!" Eliot says obnoxiously. "Okay then. I'm just going to take that bottle from you. Sharing is caring and you've had quite a bit." "It's not too much unless you're passed out. Drink tell you drop I always say." and then he accidentally spills a good amount on his black and red ecko hoodie. "See, you're wasting it." Rodney punches his arm and then grabs the bottle. Eliot swings back, but Rodney ducks. "You can't touch this." retorts Rodney in a cocky manner. "Oh yeah?" replies Eliot with a raised eye brow. "Watch me." and then Eliot plows Rodney into a snow bank. Rodney works his way out of the snow slowly, dusting it off for a good five minutes. "Not cool." At this point Eliot is on the ground in a fit of laugther. In between gasps Eliot says "Ohh that was too funny." he laughs again. "Kind of like this?" responds Rodney before throwing a snowball at his face. Eliot doesn't even care, he shrugs and says "Yeah, kinda like that." With that in a team effort they then pick up the bags filled to the brim with alcohol and head back to Eliot's place. When they get inside they see that people have already arrived. Sidney and Bob are on the sofa and appear to be in the middle of a deep philosophical discussion, when really they're just stoned. A few other people are strewn about the house doing various things. The stereo is blasting some weird techno beats. Rodney forgot that Eliot never locks his door and that he draws in a strange and interesting crowd. Eliot seems to recognize the song as he bounces up and down "Yeah, that's my jam!" "Hey!" everybody in the room shouts in unison, they are just noticing Eliot and Rodney's arrival. "Awesome, the liquor's here. Did you get anything good?" a girl with bleach blond hair showing way to much skin asks as she tries to peek into the bag. "I sure did sexy. Let me just put in down over here and then you can dig in." he motions to the floor next to the fridge. HE makes no attempt to hide his glaze as he stares at her ass when she's bending over. Rodney just smiles and shakes his head at Eliot's behavior. And then he sees her, his ex Sarah. She looks better than ever and she isn't even trying. Her skin has a golden glow, her lips are a natural berry color, and her eyes seem to be twinkling. Rodney never really got over Sarah who was his high school sweetheart. Sarah broke up with Rodney when she found out that she got accepted to UCLA. She said that she didn't want to get in the way of him wanting to be with someone else which might happen because of the distance, he knew that she really meant in case she found someone else. She seemed to look quite happy with that guys arms around her. He looked like a dumb jock. He was even taller than Rodney and was built, Rodney could tell this of course because the guy had on a tight white tee shirt. Rodney couldn't help but judge the guy in ten seconds flat and he hadn't even been introduced to him yet, then again he hadn't spoken to Sarah yet either. Rodney thought it would be best to avoid her as long as possible so he made his way up the stairs.

Alison spend a good two hours getting ready, she tried on all the clothes in her closet, but didn't see anything she wanted to wear. "All of my clothes are so boring. The only cute thing I have is that silver shirt with no back, but Rodney gave it to me, so I don't feel like wearing that right now." Alison looks at Amanda expectantly. Amanda seems to look reluctant before saying "Okay, I give in you can take a look in my closest to see if you can find something." Amanda stutters at the thought of all of her ruined designer clothes that she has let Alison borrow, but she knows that Alison could use some cheering up and so she lets her. Alison looks uplifted when Amanda agrees to let her scrounge through her closet. "Great, I love all of your clothes." "I know you do sweetie." Alison settles on a red dress that laces up in the back. "Now for your hair and make-up, do you want me to do it for you?" Amanda asks even though she already knows that answer. "Sure!" says Alison. Amanda straightens Alison's hair and gives her smokey eyes with tons of mascara. Amanda has mastered this look after countless nights of partying and clubbing. Amanda never leaves the house unless she looks perfect. Right now she has an edgy cut with her hair dyed auburn and she gave herself cat eyes and a little bit of lip gloss. Amanda did Alison's hair and makeup more intricately because she wanted to make her feel like she was getting special treatment, which she was. "All done. I really love the highlights in your hair by the way." "Thanks." Alison beams, "I think I'm ready."

All of the alcohol that Rodney consumed first effected his bladder, he headed to the bathroom, luckily there wasn't much of a line, one person waiting patiently. The kid must have been about 13, Rodney wanted to tell him to go home and go to bed. Rodney waited about ten minutes before pounding on the door. "Open up. I've really got to piss." he pressed his ear against the door and heard a grown and then the sound he was certain was someone throwing up. "Ugg, great, a sick person. Guess who's going to have to clean in up... wait, not me. I'll just make this kid get a mop." Rodney thought he was just thinking it, but he must have said it out loud. The kid shrugged and headed downstairs. Rodney opened the door slowly, inside was another ex of his, Alex. She had once been a beautiful and spunky redhead, but now she looked completely different.

unemployment shock

553, ooo unemployed is a shocking number and an appalling situation. It's unbelievable to see our country, that has always been such a strong one, going through such hardships. The news feed our fear as they question "Is this an economic crisis, how bad will it get?" and economy advisers give vague or troubling responses. They don't even know when our economy will shape up. My mother has been looking for a job for roughly a year (with a few road bumps) which makes me nervous for her when she doesn't have my social security check to help pay the bills. I have a job now that I'm not too fond of, but am reluctant to change jobs because there aren't many available. I'm worried that if I get a new job I will be layed off first because I've held the position the shortest amount of time. And that's just the effect it has on my household. Many of my friends have been in search for a job for quite a while as well. Numerous people like my friend C have to find another job just to pay the rent. I can't imagine what larger families are going through. I wonder what people have to go without in order to survive. It's kind of scary to think, if this isn't rock bottom what will be?

Update on employment news, did anyone hear about the number of health care facilities that had to let people go because patients weren't coming in as often? I find this outrageous.

Me, my blog, and I

Today's task: Evaluate my blog.

When I compose a blog my hope is to come across as smart yet still light hearted. I highly value intelligence, and strive to be knowledgeable and perceptive. I also value the ability to be easy going and have a good sense of humor. For this reason when I say someone is witty I feel it's pretty much the ultimate compliment. I feel that my blog is well composed. I try my best to have good spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I normally just proof read what I'm typing as I go along and don't re-read the entire thing after I've finished. Then later I notice one thing off with the blog and edit it. Sometimes I leave the run-on sentences because that's just the way that I write. This blog entry feels pretty sloppy to me, but I still feel pretty mentally exhausted so I'm slightly apathetic to that fact. I've shared a few things that I feel are personal in my blog because I feel that for people to truly know me they have to know some of my deeper thoughts, secrets, and things that I spend more time thinking about. I think that with everything I write descriptiveness leaks out even if I don't mean for it to. I write what I think and I think in pictures. I'm sure that I have a voice, I don't know what it is exactly. I've posted every blog required so I think that shows my commitment. I don't think I'm what most people expect me to be.

his blog, her blog, your blog

{The blogger that I looked into today seems to have a very unique personality. She has odd interests that I find endearing and quite fascinating :]. Her blogs reveal a vunerable side, giving me a bit more insight into who she is. I feel closer to her by reading what she has to say (that came out sounding kind of creepy). Her use of language is very her. The style comes across as witty, the spelling+grammar is decent. She has vivid writing, often full of emotion. I think her intended audience is mostly for Becky and peers. Her blogs seem to all have the same style, there's definitely a voice there. I wish she would post more frequently, I like what she has to say!
I think this blogger is formal when she needs to be, but she mostly just writes the way she wants to and that tends to be casual.}

self loathing. sleep it away.

Lately I've been in a major funk. Today I feel really rotten. I just want to fall asleep and wake up to good times and happiness, a time where things seem good again. My perception of life feels really bleak, I feel depressed and don't understand why. It's not like my life is horrible, it's quite good in comparison to others hardships, but I still can't shake the feeling of sadness and some anger. I'm trying really hard to stop feeling like this, but nothing seems to be working. I hate that. What am I doing with my life? I'm already 18 and feel like I've done nothing to truly impact the world. I want to do great things. I want to be famous, but I'm just me. I want life to be an adventure, but my life feels so dull and repetitive. I sometimes feel like a failure. I have major self esteem issues at times, mostly on days like this. I'm constantly losing or forgetting important things, and wonder how I would deal if I actual had a busy life. I'm upset with myself and the way my life is going. I keep saying that I will do things out of character, out of the norm, and not care what people think, but I always play it safe. I think of all the possible downsides to a situation and then I don't go through with it. I don't like risks. Risks that reveal who I am, scars and all, because I feel ugly on the inside and can't let anyone else see that part of me. Afraid to fall, can't handle rejection. I've slowly become more open than I used to be, but I don't feel like it's enough. I can never do anything good enough in my own eyes and it really hurts. I wish I could just let go. I want to scream, but no, I have to say composed. I really want to just say "fuck it" some days and not get out of bed, what's the point? I know I'll regret it later, so I get up grudgingly. I know things get better eventually. Will there ever be a day that I don't have to look to the future for happiness, can't it be now?